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[21 Sep 2009|01:26pm]
I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I am so emotionally drained that I can barely function most days. I love my store but I can't take it, at the same time. I give and give and give everyhing but to get what? Something that ifi don't get a Miracle in the next month I will have to shut down and declare bankrupt?

9-5 may not have dreams but it's a hell of a lot easier to live with.
I'm tired of broken dreams.

In other news I dreamed of him again this time just as vivid but lnger then the first. I'm not sure what to think about it or him any more. Is it really him I'm dreaming about? Or is he just a symbol of security? And does he ever think of me? Bah crazy thoughts. He's my friends dad.
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I just don't get it. [18 Sep 2009|02:23am]
He tells me nothing is going on I believe him; her best frined says nothing is going on, I belive her. And yet for her birthday she gets a freakin fruit flower arrangement and some kind of jewlrey thing while he's away in Texas and for my birthday, valentines day and our five year anniversary I don't get barely anything even after I tell him straight out I don't care if it's six dollars I wanted something shiny to freakin say that I was his. WTF !
Granted I Did get small random things for my birthday but nothing but an apology for the anniversary.
I'm so pissed right now I could cry. But what do I do? Make an issue of something that may no longer be an issue or just hide it deep inside one more freakin time. God I wish he knew WTF he does to me sometimes.
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ramble [10 Aug 2009|03:45am]
[ mood | pensive ]

Once again I am up too late with too much on my mind and yet nothing really at all.
I'm sitting watching jim play rally-x on his xbox while just kind of zoning. Felt like posting somethings..
I tried out for Jekyll and hyde at kelsey theatre and didn't get in. Which kinda sucks because i'm a dancer who can sing- which is what i auditioned for- but they don't even have a choreographer yet so how can they even decide on dancers? especially when i have 15 years experience unless they're looking for tappers. Then i'm fucked.
Ah well, with what i've heard about their male pool i'm not sure i'll even go see it. If they cast one of the two guys rumored for jekyll it's not even worth seeing.
Doing a tiny one weekend show at Actors net again. Just a little variety show. Comment for more info.

Odd this game really reminds me of Pacman. except you can run out of fuel... hm.


As usual i'm just wishing i had my own house. I love my family but i think i would really like to live on my own for at least a little while.

I need to get down to the beach to see the moon on the water. As i said the other day on facebook- although i need the sun to refuel my happiness i think i need the moon to recharge my curiosity. There is nothing like the look of the moon on the water and how it consumes me. Recharges my soul...
Mom dad mike and grandma are all away till thursday. maybe i'll clean my room and have some people over.
Been trying to write a new story or song and just haven't been able to get started. So busy so many freakin weirdass things going on in my head and my life. Just takes it's toll.
Had a terrible migrain yesterday. Hadn't had one in months. This one was like 16 hours long and super bad. Couldn't see out of one eye and then the other when the pressure shifted. Been under a lot of stress lately so not really surprised. I just hope i don;t start getting them the way i did a few years ago. Don't want to have to try to see a nerologist again. That was freakin annoying. "Oh yes I have the cash to pay you for a visit up front, oh you still won't take me without insurance, ok thanks!" <-- usual phone conversation.

Finally talking to Michael a little again. He was in Seattle, now he's back in DC i think. Got a 4 y.o daughter, abso-freakin adorable. Hope i get to meet her one day =)

Apparently you also have a smoke screen in this game which stops enemy cars (aka ghosts) from following you for a few seconds, but uses up more of your fuel.

Well i think i'm heading off to bed. Well the other side of the couch anyway. lol
If anyone has any story ideas they want to start me with *cough-tyner-cough* let me know and I'll be happy to give 'em a shot.

Sleep well my dears. Sleep well...

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poke.. not dead yet, try again later [12 Apr 2009|01:35am]
[ mood | happy ]

So as much i thought everyone had moved onto myspace, and facebook, a few people pop back up onto live journal... Who knew!

Anyway, once again-- as always-- I'm up way too late. Wondering I'm going to the market in the morning. Luckily most weekends i get out of it, but because it's Easter my help has called out and Jim can barely speak do to illness and over use of his voice. So who knows, winds are forcasted up to 30 mph tomorrow which is no good the market, games blow away WAY too easily and you can't make money by chasing them!

I'm sleepy but i'm just thinking about staying up and just doing something straight through.. meh.

I had an audition today. Kind of unexpectedly. My friends recommended me for the part earlier in the week from what i can tell, ran around looking for my phone number, got it from me then nothing. Friday i get a voicemail from an odd number, don't listen to it till 10pm--turns out to be the director (Kyla), she wants me to come to the audition at 1pm (saturday).
I have a history of being TERRIBLE (imho) at auditions, I had a really good one recently, but in all honesty i've auditioned more in the past two months than in the past two years!

Anyway, after a fierce competition (although friendly just a tough decision for the direstor) and a rather a good audition for me although i was shaking the whole time
I have just been cast as Linette in a new play called Riding the Comet! My first real staring role! Granted it's technically just a staged reading of the play, I'm still really excited about the role. Should be really fun-- I may post more about it on here just so I can vent (both good and bad) without too many of the same friends getting sick of it.

Welcome Back Live Journal!

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...Sometimes, it truly is annoying be an optimist. [18 Jun 2007|07:16pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

How can you miss a person who hasn't even been there for years?
They still seem like such a part of my life and yet I know it was such a long time ago and that I should forget about them, as I am sure they have about me.

every once in a while i look for them, hoping they do the same for me. Finding nothing, well this time barely nothing, and just adding that barely adds a glimmer of hope that maybe one day i can see them, impress them once again.
What is it I am really looking for when I look for them?

I'm still so confused and hopeful about them.. why?

Someday... maybe someday...

Sometimes, it truly is annoying be an optimist.

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I wonder why... [12 Jun 2007|11:57pm]
Why is it that just about everything I write is always 3 (sort of) paragraphs long? I mean most times I am able to stretch it to say, 4 or 5 sometimes 5ish with a good chorus too but usually the best bits that just seem to fly out of my brain, heart, where/whatever are always three little bits long...Now of course I just wrote 3 1/2 of those little 'bits' (not really poems, not quite songs, sometimes the verge of a story but nothing more than just bits). Yet it's still usually 3 sections.


I think I've always had a slight fascination with the number 3, it's one of my favorite numbers actually. I have three favorite numbers oddly enough: 3, 8 and 23 (even though 3 * 8 = 24, 23 is way cooler). Three seems to pop up in the strangest circumstances, especially when I'm in a creative mood- which apparently I am this evening. *shrug*

*On a even more side note: this spell checker of LJ's is actually quite fascinating as well, the last time i wrote anything on here it was sans- 'Cool check-as-you-type' spell checker, which has been actually quite helpful during the course of this post.

Now that once again i have written something vaguely interesting mind-spew that has formed itself into three sections I think I will depart back into the oblivion of the non-posting world.
Thank you for your attention,


PS- Tyner I hope you enjoyed this post, it reminded me so very much of you =p
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I GRADUATED!! [19 May 2007|08:03pm]
Yes dear, it is true- I actually graduated from Burlington County College today with an Associates of Science in Liberal Arts and Sciences.

Thanks to all those who helped, encouraged, counseled and just plain was there for me throughout this process, SO happy I finally have it =)

Love to all,
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HELP!! Stats project again! [20 Feb 2007|02:26pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Hey I have a stats project due friday, anyone who can just send me a comment with the answer to these questions- I need to have 40 people answer it by *thursday*! PASS IT ON!!

1) How many different video game systems do you own? (just a number don't need to name them all)?

2) Which is your favorite?
A) PS3
B) Xbox 360
C) Nintendo Wii
D) Sony PSP
E) Nintendo DS

thanks guys!

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lol- also a good drink [08 Jan 2007|08:34pm]

A Trillian. Shaken, not stirred.

Which movie was this quote from?

Get your own quotes:
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wtf [08 Jan 2007|07:50pm]
[ mood | weird ]

no.. not the new psp game 'Work Time Fun'

I'm so tired. I'm feeling a little better than I was earlier today.

I just put myself back together and I"m messed up again. I've been having so many little stress/heart attacks lately right before I go to sleep...
*you're not eating right, not enough potassium not enough excerise, not enough sleep* <-- oh well

I just think I get to a good spot with him and she walks back in. I'm just able to get it together and poof it feels like I'm back at square one again. And the worst part is it is really hard for me to be mean to her because (from what I hear) she actually likes me and thinks i'm cool. I guess I would think she was kinda cool too if we were in this situation. She has no idea i'm pretty sure, or at least not enough of one to realize how much is still going on.

Plus there is this thing of partnering into the store which will be absoloutely amazing but I also worry how much he will leave for just us to do, how much he will just go away, or if because of this whole situation i won't just want to walk out sometime. I wanted to just run away at one point today, instead I just went in the back and took a nap for what I thought was 15 minutes, turned out to be an hour. But both he and mike were up front anyway.

I just have so many hopes and dreams for both situtations and I'm so worried about fucking up, getting screwed or losing both of them.

I registered for classes today. Hopefully this time if I don't fuck up I'll be able to graduate this semester (assoc. degree). I was actually able to pay the whole tuition up front too. No payment plans for me this semester =) I'm just not sure how I will pay the rest of my family's bills this month. And that's really what they are too, I don't have any bills in my own name. They are my families and at most I should be paying a percentage of them because yes I do use electricity in the house and yes I occasionally drive the car. But I'm the only one in the house who does not have their own car (who is onthe plan) and i'm paying all of the insurance! and all of the electricity for the whole house! I'm just so stressed out right now I want to say fuck it all and just leave.

I'm in such a strange mood today.
I might see Jim Scott and Matt tonight. That should be ... interesting. Hoping I actually will get to (see jim at least).

I've been in a dangerous mood too. I want to go break things, people, rules.. just go out and have a blast and do what I want to do. Now just get the people and do it ;)

worried about the dejavu..
thoughts anyone?


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As birthday and christmas depression ensues... [19 Dec 2006|10:56pm]
Some how I have been thinking of LJ a lot lately as a way to vent my feeling. Very few people still read my LJ and those who do are rather supportive.

I'm so stressed lately I think have been making myself physically ill. I was violently ill before my last final on Monday, but I (as always) just took it instride and kept going.

I'm scared about the store.. just when all seems to be going right it all suddenly gets f*ed up again. Either by loosing contacts or not being able to get the money I want to to buy into the store to keep this happy party going.
It scares me because I love it so. I have so much *emotionally and now name wise* invested into the store. I just hope it survives. I can't let it fail. I can't fail myself, and i sure as hell can't watch him fail again. It'd kill any thing that ever made a happy memory between us. I know he looks at me sometimes and all I am is a reminder of all the bad things happening around him. Yet we're always there to try and support each other. I just wish I could do more.

More of everything. I have so much possiblity and yet it is when I have the most possibility that I feel the most stuck. I'm so tired, of everything. I'm going to be 21 saturday and yet I feel like i'm 80 years old. RRRAAARRR!!

As was said on a wonderful episode of west wing
"I Don't mind it being hard, being hard sometimes is what makes it worth doing, but I just wish it wasn't quite *SO* hard."

Someone save me.


PS- Oh, and if anyone else asks me i'm saying: 'All i want for Christmas is a Car.'
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Okay, so here's the deal-- once again i have procrastinated to the very last second. SO Since my project is supposedly due tomorrow evening by 7- if at all possible please have any kind of reply to this message sent back to me by 5pm (eastern) tomorrow. ALthough just keep sending the replies anyway because I may need more data then I get between now and then =P *lord help me I want to withdraw from this class*

Please reply with *in comment form please*
Sex (Male or Female NOT yes or no =P):

Question: Would you rather own a (pick ONE)

If you answer the survey multiple times please include different answers and the age info most especially again. And don't worry about people knowing your real age =P I just need a numerical data point for the first part of the question, as long as it's close I don't really care! Oh! And refer your friends here too- I need at least 50 people *eeps* or i'll just start making stuff up!

Thanks for your help =)
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Statistics 1 [11 Oct 2006|06:07pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Hi all,
If any of you still read this I will have a poll or survey of some sort coming up that I need as many of you as possible to answer. I'm not sure exactly what it will ask yet but it will be short and hopefully interesting. I have to survey and get data from over 50 people for a statistics one class. we'll see how it goes.


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Why do I even bother anymore? [14 Jul 2006|09:25pm]
I keep trying, keep pushing, keep believing and yet for some reason i always get a virtual kick in the face. I finally start to think I'm getting back to a normal life, and then there is one more DAMNED bump. He keeps me away, and just when I think i'm okay with how everything is *whoosh* he pulls me back in. And I just can't resist that. I try and try and try. This is how it all started to begin with. And then when I think we're okay again.. poof it's not convenient anymore. I can't care. About anyone. It hurts too much. It's killing me inside. And of course when they walk in I hide it all away for him, so I'm the 'cool' one, and I'm perfect for them, like there was never anything there. Maybe there never was anything, just me.

And it's everywhere in my life, i just think i've finally got all the plates spinning and whoops there they go again. How am I supposed to do this? I hurt so much, but I can't share that with anyone without having it all break again. Everything I touch I break, so even though I have someone new I could care about I don't want to break it. What I have now means too much to me. I can't loose anyone anymore... So maybe if I never have them in the first place I won't ever really loose them.
Everyone tells me I'm so young, if I'm so young then why do I feel like I'm so old and that I'm dying inside?

Time to hide again. I've let too much out already. Maybe, i really can just keep stopping the pain if I will it all away.. just go away...
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Holy crap I can't believe I made it! [21 Dec 2005|12:12pm]
Wow,this semester really kicked my ass but I actually made it through with fairly good grades. (Oh, the two classes I got C's in I nearly got F's in so i really pulled it through =])
American Government & Politics--- A
Elementary French I----B+ [totally freaking shocked about that one]
Chemistry Laboratory---A
Precalculus------------C [omg i thought I was going to fail this course so bad.. I thought I was going to have to take an x grade pay for the course and take it/have itpumelled into my head all over again....]

SOOO Happy!
Hope you all have a Happy Holiday! I miss all of you! =)
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[18 Oct 2005|02:38pm]
Your Birthdate: December 23

With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them.
You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas.
You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel.

You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable.
Your mind is quick, clever and analytical.
A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine.
You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility.
Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.
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[02 Sep 2005|04:19pm]
Yipee yippee. tra. la. la. I am back at BCC this semester.
It's not all that horrible- three days a week, two at pemberton one at Mt. Laurel. only one night class. But i still didn't really want to start back again at ALL. =/

Birdie is going well, everyone should come see it. Check out 'Kelsey Theatre' on google, if it's at mercer county college then you have the right one. ;)

*sigh* not sure if i'm going to the beach this afternoon or keeping the house to myself....

I'll write more later i suppose. As if anyone really reads this anymore.


Ps- Kit, the Dawn (the diner we went to) Has canoli pie/cake =)
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lol [21 Aug 2005|10:33pm]
[ mood | Quizzical ]

This one is really random but totally funny- most of the people on my friends list are here, try it and let me know what you think!

The Random Question Meme!Collapse )

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Apologies and Quizzes [21 Aug 2005|09:59pm]
First of All--I would like to apologize to Kit and Michelle for not RSVPing about New Hope a couple of wednesdays ago. I really did want to go, but honestly I'm basically grounded; plus-- i forgot what day of the week it was (that day). My humble apologies. =/

Second of all-- The reason I haven't been posting much lately is honestly: 42 is crazy. (My/The Life Universe and Everything). Everything has gone from being my usual crazy/happy/scary living on the edge of poverty/reason/sanity to The major extreme of everything listed there. Nothing particularly or horribly wrong. Just 'Life' running amuck [you would think I would have gotten used to this by now].

There are certain things that are going absoloutly wonderful in my life- others are well, not. Unfortunetly because of the 'not' I have little to no time to post- even about the 'wonderful'. I have taken to writing more in a paper journal lately. Something i haven't done in a long long time [if ever really] and am trying very hard to keep up with.
Also there are certain aspects of my life that although i would really like to post about, I don't feel are quite appropriate for the public forums. [Actually, most of my life is slightly turbulent right now so I think that almost everything falls under the category of 'paper hidden journal ONLY'].

I will try update this more often with interesting antic-dotes of my life. As usual my 42 is rather... 'Zany' i suppose is a good way to put it =)
ANYWAY-- on to the promised quizzes.
Oh the Quizzity GoodnessCollapse )
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Update on Dad [21 Jun 2005|03:48pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Well I said I would try to keep this as updated as possible with Dad's condition. So here's the latest report:

He is still doing well each day he seems to be getting a little better. His speech although still slurred is becoming much faster and he moves his hands almost constantly when he talks. (as always)
This morning he was able to eat normal(ish) food again, and this afternoon at lunch when I saw him they had him out of bed and sitting up in a chair eating lunch, feeding himself. [he was staying perfectly clean and eating accuratly too, although at one point he wanted to start a food fight!]

He seems to be doing well, he wants OUT of the hospital soon. Get on the road to physical therapy etc.
I'm not exactly sure how long they are keeping him. Probably at least another couple of days before they move him to rehab- which to start with I am expecting in-patiant not out. But that's just a guess.

Keep the prayers and well wishes coming, he loves hearing from everyone and he wants his cellphone back very badly! =P (this from a man who didn't want one in the first place)

I'll update again soon,

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